A Reindeer’s Perspective

I’ve been pulling Santa’s sleigh for years beyond measure.  I have a grasp of world geography that would startle most quadrupeds.  Really!  Think about it…each year, I and my friends take a whirlwind tour of the entire globe…not that we have much time to look around.  Even with Santa’s “Time Slowing Magic”, we still have only a few seconds per house.

Now let me ask you a question:  Have you ever watched a nature documentary featuring reindeer (or caribou – if the documentary is about our North American relatives)?  What do you see us doing for most of the time?  Sure…when there’s a wolf or some other predator around, we’ll run.  But when all is as it should be, we stroll about and graze.  Or sleep.  We live a mostly leisurely life.  What I bet you’ve never seen is a reindeer that is flying.  In fact very few reindeer have the specific mutation that allows flight.

Did you just think “Lucky?”  Really?  You think that the “gift of flight” is a lucky thing to have if you’re a reindeer?  Well…it might have been…

When I was just a calf, and my mom and dad realized I had the flight mutation, they weren’t as excited as you might think.  For as long as they could, they kept me hidden.  They knew something that you probably don’t…the flight mutation is extremely dangerous for us reindeer, because it typically leads to a rather un-natural life.

My parents managed to keep me hidden for only the first few days before I was found by a troll.  This troll saw me rising above the ground in a brief moment when my parents’ backs were turned.  In a snap, I was captured and hauled off to a compound filled with other flying reindeer.  I was too young to realize it then, but I was about to enter a life of slavery.

Every day, I was harnessed up to the other flying reindeer…some of which had been slaves for decades already, and made to practice “formation flying.”  Once I had been forced to master that, I was taken from the training ground to another place.  This place had fewer reindeer, but thousands of trolls…except that they didn’t call themselves trolls…they referred to themselves as “elfs”.  Wishful thinking, if you ask me…I know the difference between a troll (an ugly, evil creature), and an elf (a beautiful and benevolent being).  In fact, they couldn’t even get the pluralization right…my slave masters couldn’t figure out that the plural of “elf” is “elves”.

I thought my life couldn’t get worse.  I was assigned to a work-gang with 7 other reindeer, and we were systematically trained for speed, quick landings and takeoffs, and precision landings.  There was very little sleep and only a few minutes each day for us to eat.  The reindeer life of leisure had come to an end.  I said I thought that my life couldn’t get worse.  I was wrong.  It was near the end of December when the biggest troll I have ever seen came lumbering out to the cage where we were kept.  He was wearing the fur of some animal, his suit was the colour of blood, and his belt was as black as his heart.  One of the other trolls came and told us that we would be transporting this hideous being all over the world.  Then he told us that we were to refer to this gargantuan monster as…you guessed it, “Santa Claus”.  Now if I know anything…the word “santa” can be translated as “saint”.  Once again, wishful thinking.  “Troll” and “Saint” go together about as well as…well…slavery and joy.

Every year since, I and my team have been forced to pull this nefarious beast around the world, where “Santa” goes down chimneys for some purpose that I can only imagine is diabolical in nature.

I’ve been told that he’s “delivering toys to good boys and girls”.  How can this be true…when he, himself, uses slave labour?

By the way, their are elves at the compound as well…they are no better off than the reindeer.  They are slaves too…forced to construct the toys…and they have the added humiliation of being impersonated by these trolls who claim to be “elfs”

This Christmas, don’t be so excited about Santa coming down your chimney.  Remember…if you support Santa Claus, you are supporting slave labour.

Please tell this story to all your friends.  Perhaps you can bring an end to reindeer slavery.

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6 thoughts on “A Reindeer’s Perspective

  1. Pingback: Top 10 fears of the average reindeer | Quest for Whirled Peas
  2. What a great sentence: “I have a grasp of world geography that would startle most quadrupeds.”

    “In fact very few reindeer have the specific mutation that allows flight.” … Isn’t that the truth.

    “You think that the ‘gift of flight’ is a lucky thing to have if you’re a reindeer?” … Probably not, now that you mention it.

    “… the flight mutation is extremely dangerous for us reindeer, because it typically leads to a rather un-natural life.” … This post is turning out to be a lot less funny than I expected it to be. It’s pretty darn human, actually.

    “In a snap, I was captured and hauled off to a compound filled with other flying reindeer. I was too young to realize it then, but I was about to enter a life of slavery.” … This makes me think of anyone who stands out or has a unique mental aptitude, being captured and analyzed by scientists, for example. Or like poor little ET. 😦

    “Every day, I was harnessed up to the other flying reindeer…some of which had been slaves for decades already, and made to practice “formation flying.'” … OMG, this is breaking my heart! This is exactly what I don’t want to happen to my children.

    “I was assigned to a work-gang” … Jeez. This is exactly what life is, isn’t it?

    This pretty much captures my feelings about Christmas, and life. I’m not a fan. Joy, I’m all in for. Slavery, um, no. I guess this is why I’m such a grump for most of December. I can’t stand this complete nonsense. There are little bits of fun here and there. But the fact that people fall for this, baffles me.

      • Yes, I can totally enjoy it if celebrated the right way and for the right reason. But no matter what we do, it seems to end up being all about that “what do I get?” mentality. It’s just a stage of life, having a bunch of kids. It’s normal, I guess. Everything’s tough with four kids, especially when they’re little. … We never told our kids Santa was real. Ours are the kids who spoiled it for all their classmates. 😛

      • mine too! Every time someone asks my 6 year old what he hopes Santa brings him, he says, “Santa isn’t real” (with this really annoyed expression…like “you should know better than that”)

      • I know, right?! Like, “You guys are such morons.” 🙂

        And then adults get so flustered because they think it’s evil not to believe. Even Christians … almost like it’s worse to deny Santa than Jesus. 🙂

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