Do You Exist? Are You Sure?

(My apologies in advance to anyone who actually thinks this is a serious discussion of either philosophy, mathematics, science, metaphysics, or broccoli cultivation)

René Descartes once said, “Cogito ergo sum” which is Latin for “I really dislike sums” by which he meant he was not a big fan of math.  He also came up with the idea, “I think, therefore I am”.  You see, he believed that, since he was able to think, he must, therefore exist.

Einstein, however, came up with the equation “E=mc²”.  This equation proved two things:  First, it proved that he liked math better than Mr. Descartes, but more importantly, it proved, mathematically that “I think, therefore I am” does not work.

Let me break it down for you.  “E” represents energy.  “m” is mass.  “c” stands for the speed of light.  “²” refers to a footnote in Einstein’s notebook (the bottom portion of this particular page of his notebook has gone missing, so we’ll never know for sure what the footnote was – the belief that the ² means “squared” is a mistake that has thrown modern physicists way off the track!).  So…in short, the equation is “energy is equal to mass times the speed of light”.  (In case you are wondering, footnote number ¹ was still intact.  It said “buy milk”.)

Now I think that we can all agree that in order for life to exist, there must be energy.  If E=mc, then for energy to exist, then mass must travel at the speed of light.  So far, we have not come up with the technology to move anything at light speed (with the possible exception of spam on the internet), therefore I have to conclude: “energy does NOT exist”.  If energy does not exist, then life does not exist, and neither, my friend, do you!

Of course, if life does not exist, then Einstein himself did not exist.  If Einstein did not exist, then neither did his general theory of relativity equation (E=mc).  Of course, if that theory did not exist, then there must be some other equation to explain energy.  This means that energy and life do exist.  Then Einstein also existed.  Therefore E does equal mc, and we find ourselves in a circular argument.

Conclusions: 

  •  you may or may not exist (you may be a figment of your own imagination
  • Einstein may have been a crackpot
  • I might be a crackpot (if I’m not merely a figment of my own imagination!)

Of course, footnote number ² might have had explained away all the problems…

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