An Elf Speaks Out

OK.  I’ve seen enough!  It’s time that this conspiracy was brought to light.  You all know my boss…Santa Claus.  As you may or may not know, “Santa” means “Saint.”  Saint?  Yeah sure…maybe the original guy, but old St. Nicholas has been gone many a year, and the current guy ain’t no saint.  Yeah, he still does the whole toy thing.  Nice front for what’s really going on.  Can you say “money laundering” and “counterfeiting”?  Big words, but hey…he’s a BIG guy if you catch my drift.

The thing you need to know is, “Saint” Claus (and that isn’t even his real name) isn’t the only one in on this conspiracy.  He’s got the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy in on the whole racket too.  Actually, of all the people/critters/etc. that kids believe in and adults often don’t…I suspect that the only character who’s nose is clean in this whole mess is the Great Pumpkin – and to be frank, I wouldn’t be too surprised if he’s connected somehow.

Easter’s coming up.  You know what that means…the Easter Bunny is on his way bringing his “gift” of Easter eggs to children all over the world.  Here’s an interesting fact for you:  BUNNIES DON’T LAY EGGS!!  Yeah.  Shocking.  I know.  So these aren’t real eggs.  They’re fabricated.  What are eggs made of?  Enamel.  That’s right, enamel!  What else is made of enamel?  You got it, big shot.  Teeth.  You making the connection?  Keep up with me, will you?  Yeah.  Those teeth that the Tooth Fairy “paid” you for are melted down and fabricated into the eggs that come back at Easter time.  And that coin she gave you for the tooth?  Remember how I said Santa’s work-shop is a front for money laundering and counterfeiting?  I’d be careful where I spend that coin if I was you!

That’s right.  Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are all in on this together.  They work with a malevolent efficiency that makes the Mafia look like a bunch of 2 bit street thugs.

What’s the end-game?  I really wish I knew.  But considering that all 3 of the characters I mentioned seem to have access to every house in the world, I can safely say that no good will come of it.  For one thing, your house is probably bugged.  Right now.  It’s no coincidence that “He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you’re awake.”  Just that fact alone is a wee bit creepy if you ask me!

Take my advice:  Don’t put any teeth under your pillow – keep a HOT fire going in your fireplace on Christmas Eve – avoid any eggs of unknown origin.  I don’t know what these guys are up to, but it Ain’t No Good!!

(Name of the Elf who wrote this warning has been withheld for his protection)


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