Twas the Night Before Christmas – a modern translation

It was Christmas Eve, and all through the apartment
Everyone was asleep.  Even the rodents that the landlord refused to get exterminated.
Because the dryer was broken, we had hung our wet socks and other laundry near the furnace, (but not the embarrassing items,
as we hoped that Santa Clause would show up).

The kids (who all have ADD) had finally settled down in their beds
Even though I was pretty sure they were just dreaming of their next sugary snack.
My wife and I, in our pajamas,
Had just set the security alarm and hit the hay.

All of a sudden, we heard a suspicious sound outside,
So I jumped out of bed and grabbed my shotgun, expecting the worst.
I ran to the window as quickly as I could,
Cautiously, I parted the curtains and peered through the bars.

The moon glared off of the icy street
Giving a eerie glow to the objects below.
But, what the heck?  Do you know what I saw,
A small sled, and eight small caribou tied to the front.

The old man who was driving could only be described as having more energy than anyone his age had the right to have,
and I realized almost instantly that this must be Santa Clause.
They came quicker than the F-18s I had seen at the air show the previous summer,
And he whistled and yelled at them and called out their names!

“Hey Runner!  Hey Ballerina!  Hey Trotter and Lady Fox!
On Halley, On Valentine’s Cupid, On Donny and High Boy!
Up to the door, and then to the top of the balcony!
Now run away!  Let’s all run away!”

Just like tractors flew in the movie, “Twister”,
These antlered animals weren’t tied to the ground
So they flew to the roof,
With the sled overloaded with all the toys and fat Santa Clause too.

And then, just like that, a noise on the roof
The scraping and scratching of 34 feet.
As I turned from the window,
Santa Clause FELL down the chimney!.(which surprised me, because we don’t have a chimney!)

He was dressed all attire that would have had the animal rights activists fuming,
But the man was filthy with soot and ash.
On his back, he had a bag full of toys…
Making him look like a hobo.

He had a mischievous look in his eyes, but at least he looked happy!
But his nose and cheeks were so red, I suspected he’d had too much to drink.
His mouth held a smirk like the Mona Lisa,
And it was obvious no razor had seen the white hair on his chin in a long time.

Despite the “Thanks For Not Smoking” sign, he had a pipe in his mouth,
And he was chugging out smoke like a choo choo train.
He was quite overweight,
So that his gut wobbled when he laughed!!

Did I say he was overweight?  Well, No!  He was FAT!
I couldn’t help but laugh at him!
But despite his sloven appearance, he only had to give me a look,
And I knew the old kook was harmless enough.

He refused to talk to me, but at least he was giving us stuff!
And crammed our wet socks, and then suddenly turned.
And then snorted something off of his finger up his broad nose,
And with a nod, he jumped up the chimney (which still surprised me, because we don’t have a chimney)!

He fled to his sled and whistled at his team,
And then they took off like dandelion fluff that my kids blow off.
He wouldn’t talk when he was in my place, but now I heard him yell,
“Have a merry Christmas…and get to bed already!  You’re so tired, you’re hallucinating!”