Vancouver 2010 Olympics

Vancouver 2010 – supposedly supposed to be the “Greenest Games Ever.”  I suppose that depends on what you mean by green!  The weather definately hasn’t been co-operating with those planning the games, as British Columbia has had a much warmer than average winter thus far.  Snow has been melting, and with no snow in the forecast, truckloads of snow are being brought in with the hopes that the mountains can be covered enough to hold skiing and snowboarding events.  One reefer load of snow isn’t going to cover a whole lot of mountain, so we’re talking hundreds, if not thousands of truckloads of snow. 

I, for one, think nature should be allowed to run its course.  I was looking forward to the new Olympic sports that were going to be born:  Downhill Skiing would become Downhill Swimming, Luge and Skeleton will become foot-first and head-first water slide races (respectively).

Personally, I’m most looking forward to watching the rock-skipping competion where the curling was supposed to take place!!

2010
01/21
CATEGORY
Humour
Olympics
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Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know that you don’t exist, but I wanted to write you a letter because I figured you might be lonely in your non-existence.  I know you have your other imaginary friends like the tooth-fairy and Batman, but it must be hard, even so, for you to recognize that you are simply a figment of the collective imagination of countless children and marketing firms.

For Christmas this year, I know that you won’t be coming down the chimney into my fireplace, because, well, I don’t have a fireplace, and besides, you aren’t real.  So I hope that you don’t mind that I plan to eat any cookies and drink any milk that I find on Christmas Eve.

If you do plan on leaving any gifts under my tree this year, just label them “From Mom and Dad”, because I know that’s who they’re really from anyways.

Santa, don’t be too hard on yourself.  I’m sure that you must just beat yourself up sometimes wishing that you were really real.  But think of all the stress you would face if you were real.  I mean, visiting all  the houses of all the good boys and girls in a single evening would be pretty exhausting, even if flying reindeer did exist.  It’s really a good thing that you’re not real, because flying reindeer don’t exist, and you’d probably wear yourself out in looking for them…especially one with a shiny red nose!

So my advise to you is:  take it easy this year!  You’re not real, so why pretend that you are?  You’re only imagining your own existence, so there is no reason to stress about all of your imaginary tasks.  Take Christmas off for once.  You’ll see, nothing at all will change.  Nobody will notice that you didn’t come…and all the kids and marketing executives will assume that you really did come (even though they presents they got actually came from their moms and dads).

Your Friend,

The Easter Bunny.

2009
11/27
CATEGORY
Humour
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Navel Improvements

When I was a student at BBC in my 2nd year, my room-mate and I enjoyed the occasional game of Axis and Allies.  At the height of maturity, any time we engaged in ship to ship combat, one of us would invariably shout “Naval Battle”.  We’d then expose our belly-buttons and squish them in and out while making shooting noises.  I’m sure our mothers would have been quite proud of the way in which we utilized our study time!!  If my memory serves me correctly from way back then, my roomie usually won the Axis and Allies games.  Back then, I thought it was that he had better strategy than me.  More recently I have come to realize that he simply had the superior belly button.

You see, I have an “umbilical hernia” – a defect since birth.  These Axis and Allies games could have landed me in a Navel hospital.

That’s going to change in a little less than a month when I go in for reconstructive belly-button surgery.  Yes, my belly button will be better, stronger, faster!  No longer will I need to fear surprise Navel attacks.  (As long as my surgeon passed his courses at the Navel Academy).

Now if only I could find some way of dealing with the lint problem…

2009
10/28
CATEGORY
Humour
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politics

civic elections are coming up in just a few days in every community in Saskatchewan (the province in Canada where I live).  This is a time where each community member of legal age can go and cast a vote to determine who he/she wants to represent him/her on town/city council.  It’s an election…just like one would go out and vote for a president, prime-minister, congressperson, etc.

If you live in a dictatorship, or if your country is ruled by a king, you don’t get to vote, because your leadership is determined by military might or heredity respectively (sometimes both).

But however you slice it, whomever is in charge of your town/city/fief/shire/state/province/country…these leaders all have one thing in common.  They all have people who don’t like them.  (Don’t tell this to your leader if you live in a dictatorship, because dictators are, by their very nature, paranoid.  It is not usually advisable to feed this paranoia).

Upon realization that all political leaders have those who don’t like them (yes, that even includes Barrack Obama), I decided to study the word “politics” to find out why politicians are not universally loved.  Ever.  I discovered something very interesting:

The word “politics” is made up of two smaller words

Poly – meaning many

&

Ticks – parasitic arachnids that suck blood and can cause disease.

tick

So…Politics literally means: “many parasitic arachnids that suck blood and can cause disease.”  Is it any wonder that not everyone likes them??

2009
10/25
CATEGORY
Humour
political
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Bill Gates and the Olympic Torch

Today marked the lauch of Microsoft’s newest platform:  The creatively named “Widows 7″.  It follows the slightly poorer than disastrous product that they called “Vista”.  Since the launch of Vista, computer stores have been busy placating customers by “downgrading” compmuter systems to Windows XP.  No more!  Microsoft has finally launched a better program than Vista.  I have not previewed the new platform, but I can say with confidence that it is far superior to Vista.  Then again, The Eniac computer (1946) was superior to Vista.

Am I going to rush out to get the new operating platform?  Probably not…XP seems to be working sufficiently for my needs (and if I needed more, I’d probably just get myself a Mac).

In other news today, the Olympic Flame was lit today in Greece using a parabolic mirror and the sun’s own rays, beginning its trek to Vancouver Canada for the 2010 Winter Games.

What do these events have to do with each other?  It’s rumoured that Bill Gates was in Greece for the lighting of the flame.  He had with him all of the remaining copies of Vista, which he was going to ignite using the Olympic Flame.  Alas…it didn’t work.  Vista was of such poor quality, it wouldn’t even burn right!

2009
10/22
CATEGORY
Humour
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