Why do Elves get all the Credit?

Why do elves get all the credit?  Everyone talks about Santa and his elves making all the toys for all the good boys and girls in the world?  Yeah, Santa is the Big Elf.  Daddy Elf.  His Elfship…whatever you want to call him…and yes, there are certainly a lot of elves up at the north pole too!  But they’re just the ones in management.  Hey!  Yeah you!  I know what you’re thinking!  ”So the elves are the smart ones, then?”  Not quite.  I told you that Santa is the The Big Elf…so of course the management is all elves.  We’re talking nepotism here!  It ain’t what you know, it’s who you know…or more importantly, who you’re related to.  I don’t think there’s an elf on the planet that’s more distantly related to Santa than 3rd cousin twice removed…and with all that in-breeding, those elves aren’t even all that bright.  So yeah, they’re in management.

Actually, that’s not such a bad thing.  We let them think that they’re running the show, but really, that keeps them out of the way most of the time.

What annoys me, though, is that all the kids around the world get sooooooo excited about their elf-made toys.  OK, to be fair, the elves make some of the toys.  You know those toys that break within the first week after Christmas?  Elf-made.  Guaranteed.

We dwarves take a lot more pride in our work.  We’re hard working and industrious.  We make things to last.

Even the whole Santa and the reindeer thing…sure, Santa is in a sleigh, but it’s piloted by a dwarf.  Santa couldn’t find his way out of his red suit if it weren’t for us dwarves.  Yes, I said a sleigh, not the sleigh.  Do you really think one guy can visit all the good boys and girls in a single night?  There’s thousands of sleighs leaving from the Arctic alone on Christmas Eve…and those only cover the area above the 49th parallel.  We have other depots hidden all over the world.  But don’t tell Santa…he thinks he’s it.  If he had a clue about geography, he’d realize that he’s never been anywhere where there’s no snow…and he’d also know that…well…that doesn’t cover even all of the northern hemisphere, let alone the whole world.  I did mention that elves aren’t too bright, didn’t I?

Yep, we dwarves are tired of the elves getting all the credit.  If not for us, about 50 kids would be getting presents on Christmas day (yes, Santa’s that naive – he has no clue how big the world is!)

As far as Santa keeping a list…that’s done by dwarves too.  Santa can’t even read!

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d like some recognition given to some of the other toy makers, and not just elves.

Oh…and before I get accused of wanted all the glory for the dwarves, I need to say that there’s a lot of other people up here that help out too.  We’ve got giants, trolls, a few hobbits, and even Gandalf makes an appearance from time to time!

So have a merry Christmas, and may your toys be made by someone other than an elf!

Twas the Night Before Christmas – a modern translation

It was Christmas Eve, and all through the apartment
Everyone was asleep.  Even the rodents that the landlord refused to get exterminated.
Because the dryer was broken, we had hung our wet socks and other laundry near the furnace, (but not the embarrassing items,
as we hoped that Santa Clause would show up).

The kids (who all have ADD) had finally settled down in their beds
Even though I was pretty sure they were just dreaming of their next sugary snack.
My wife and I, in our pajamas,
Had just set the security alarm and hit the hay.

All of a sudden, we heard a suspicious sound outside,
So I jumped out of bed and grabbed my shotgun, expecting the worst.
I ran to the window as quickly as I could,
Cautiously, I parted the curtains and peered through the bars.

The moon glared off of the icy street
Giving a eerie glow to the objects below.
But, what the heck?  Do you know what I saw,
A small sled, and eight small caribou tied to the front.

The old man who was driving could only be described as having more energy than anyone his age had the right to have,
and I realized almost instantly that this must be Santa Clause.
They came quicker than the F-18s I had seen at the air show the previous summer,
And he whistled and yelled at them and called out their names!

“Hey Runner!  Hey Ballerina!  Hey Trotter and Lady Fox!
On Halley, On Valentine’s Cupid, On Donny and High Boy!
Up to the door, and then to the top of the balcony!
Now run away!  Let’s all run away!”

Just like tractors flew in the movie, “Twister”,
These antlered animals weren’t tied to the ground
So they flew to the roof,
With the sled overloaded with all the toys and fat Santa Clause too.

And then, just like that, a noise on the roof
The scraping and scratching of 34 feet.
As I turned from the window,
Santa Clause FELL down the chimney!.(which surprised me, because we don’t have a chimney!)

He was dressed all attire that would have had the animal rights activists fuming,
But the man was filthy with soot and ash.
On his back, he had a bag full of toys…
Making him look like a hobo.

He had a mischievous look in his eyes, but at least he looked happy!
But his nose and cheeks were so red, I suspected he’d had too much to drink.
His mouth held a smirk like the Mona Lisa,
And it was obvious no razor had seen the white hair on his chin in a long time.

Despite the “Thanks For Not Smoking” sign, he had a pipe in his mouth,
And he was chugging out smoke like a choo choo train.
He was quite overweight,
So that his gut wobbled when he laughed!!

Did I say he was overweight?  Well, No!  He was FAT!
I couldn’t help but laugh at him!
But despite his sloven appearance, he only had to give me a look,
And I knew the old kook was harmless enough.

He refused to talk to me, but at least he was giving us stuff!
And crammed our wet socks, and then suddenly turned.
And then snorted something off of his finger up his broad nose,
And with a nod, he jumped up the chimney (which still surprised me, because we don’t have a chimney)!

He fled to his sled and whistled at his team,
And then they took off like dandelion fluff that my kids blow off.
He wouldn’t talk when he was in my place, but now I heard him yell,
“Have a merry Christmas…and get to bed already!  You’re so tired, you’re hallucinating!”

10 Reasons Writer’s Block Sucks

Nothing hampers a writer’s ability to write more than writer’s block.  I’ve been stewing for the last couple of days over what to write for my post…and finally I have it:  10 reasons that writer’s block sucks.

1.  Writer’s block leads to death.  Think about it!  When is the last time that Shakespeare wrote anything?  When did Cervantes or Plato or Dickens last have a work published?  All of these writers stopped writing, and all of them are dead.  (There are some that speculate that death caused their writer’s block, and not the other way around…I’d ask them, but, well…)

2.  Usually, writer’s block does not make for good reading…unless the writer turns this verbal blockage into list like this one.

3.  If you write for money (which I fortunately don’t), it doesn’t provide much of an income (nobody sends cheques to Shakespeare anymore).

4.  It causes me to have nothing to say for this point.

5.  Sometimes it causes a writer to repeat things.

6.  It sounds bad – Doctor:  ”I’m sorry, but we’ve diagnosed you with WB”.  Me: “What’s WB?”  Doctor:  ”Writer’s Block”.  Me:  Is that like an arterial block?  Is it likely to be fatal?”  Doctor:  ”No.  And yes.  Respectively.  Shakespeare had nothing wrong with his arteries, but he’s still dead.”

7.  Jell-O

8.  A writer suffering from writer’s block often can’t stay focused on one topic.

9.  Did you know that there are 464 definitions for the English word “set”?

10.  Sometimes it causes a writer to repeat things.

10 Facts About Spaghetti that May (Or May Not) Surprise You.

Disclaimer – this is not Wikipedia, so not all of my facts are necessarily factual.

1.  Spaghetti is long.

2.  Skill is required to eat it without getting ketchup on your shirt (unless you don’t eat it with ketchup).

3.  It is rarely served as a topping on ice-cream

4.  It is named after the Roman emperor Spag Etti

5.  It tastes good with cheese.

6.  In it’s uncooked form, it could poke out an eye.

7.  Jell-O (number 7 must ALWAYS be Jell-O)

8.  In the movie “Elf”, Buddy likes to eat it with syrup.

9.  If spaghetti is cooked to a point where it is still somewhat chewy, it is considered to be “al dente”.  This was named after the man who perfected this method of cooking:  Alexander Dentessissimo (it was shortened to al dente for obvious reasons)

10.  This article will most likely never be included as a reference in a doctoral thesis on spaghetti.

Subliminal Toothpaste Message

I looked at the French side of my toothpaste...turns out it promotes electronic communication!

I Didn’t Go to Work Today

Today, here in Canada, and in the rest of the Commonwealth Countries, it was Victoria Day.  That translates roughly as “holiday.” For the sake of my readers who are not from a Commonwealth country, here is an explanation of what Victoria Day is.

Victoria Day is so named, because it is the celebration of the birthday of Queen Victoria…a long dead queen whose real name was Bertha.  Now “Bertha” is not a very royal sounding name, so the people of England decided to call her “Victoria” instead.  She was called Victoria because she reigned during the period called the “Victorian Era”.  A common mis-conception is that the Era was named after the queen, but the reverse is actually the case.

You may be wondering why the era was called the Victorian Era if it wasn’t named after the queen.  It was named so because of furniture.  That’s right.  During this time period, a furniture maker by the name of Victor Fitzpatrick started to make a style of furniture that became so popular that anyone who was anybody simply had to furnish their homes with it.  As a result of Victor’s success as a furniture manufacturer, it didn’t take long before everybody tried to capitalize on Victor’s good name.  Clothing makers called their clothing “Victorian”- as if their clothing could make you look like a wardrobe…

So, in short, if it weren’t for a furniture maker named Victor, today would be “Bertha Day”.

Another little known fact:  This day was nearly named “Alfred Day” after the late Queen “Victoria” Bertha’s resemblance to Alfred Hitchcock

Too Wrongs Don’t Make a Write

Yes, I know that there are two spelling errors in the title of this blog posting.  I made those two errors in the hopes that they would cancel each other out and make the title correct.  But I guess I proved the point that to wrongs DON’T make a rite…er…two wrongs don’t make a right.

English – what a wonderfully dastardly language!  I’ve written on the foibles of our language before, and I’m sure I’ll do so again.  But how can I not write about the language when it is so incredibly rich in homonyms, homophones, synonyms and cinnamon buns!

Consider a sentence like “Mr. Wright is never right when he writes about rites.”  Unless you see it in print, it almost doesn’t make sense, but when you see the spelling, all is made clear.

But then again, consider the sentence “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo“.  It sounds like nonsense, it looks like nonsense, but if you read the linked Wikipedia article, you will see that the above is a grammatically correct sentence (although, perhaps not true in reality).

Perhaps the only down-side to having a good grasp on the English language is having to put up with those who don’t.  I’d as soon listen to nails on a chalkboard than hear grammatically incorrect speech, or read sentences with spelling errors  (although deliberate errors in grammar or spelling can be rather amusing if used to make a point).

In summary:  English – a beautiful, complex, wonderful language – just make sure you spell things write!

A Watched Pot…

Time is a funny thing.

Days off fly by, but the clock seems to slow down the moment you punch in at work.  If you’re hungry, that pot of soup takes forever…but forget about it for what seems like just a second, and you’ve burned the veggies at the bottom.  Basically, pleasant events go by quickly while less enjoyable occasions creep along at a snail’s pace.

Somebody coined the phrase, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”  The idea is that we don’t notice the passage of time when we are doing what we want to do, but are all too conscious of the clock at work or in the dentist’s chair.

I don’t think so.  I believe that the real reason for this phenomenon is that each of us has an emotionally controlled black-hole that warps the space-time continuum and causes pleasure to last a shorter time than average, but causes the time spent weeding to go on forever.

Of course, this ecbh (emotionally controlled black hole) does sometimes go awry…For example:  I mentioned the dentist – and yes, the time spent enduring his sadistical tools lasts forever, but what I’m thinking of now is the time leading up to that appointment.  Waiting for such an unpleasant event is, in itself, unpleasant, yet the time before the inevitable moves on much too quickly.

What we need to do, therefore, is to trick ourselves into believing that what is unpleasant is actually enjoyable (and vice-versa).  Then the time will go quickly while being mauled by an angry mother bear, but will go by     e v e r   s o   s l o w l y     when you’re on your favourite ride at the amusement park.

Of course, if you successfully trick yourself, you won’t enjoy that ride either – so maybe we should leave our ecbh alone after all…

I Before E, Except After…W??? (or Why English is a Silly Language)

I’m an English speaker.  I grew up speaking English, and have never had the fortune to learn a second language.  Despite my mono-lingualism, I have still had to conclude that English has some rather bizarre irregularities.  Most school kids can tell you, “I before E”, but then there are the exceptions: “except after c or when it says ‘A’ as in neighbour or weigh”.  But even then, there are words that still don’t fit…like weird.

Or what about the letters “ough”?  I feel sorry for the person learning English who has to figure out that thought, through, though, rough, cough, and bough don’t rhyme…and don’t even mention hiccough!

We pluralize most things by adding an “s”.  But words that end in “us” are often pluralized by dropping the “us” and adding “i” such as “octopus” and “radius” become “octopi” and “radii” (but if you have more than one schoolbus, you have schoolbuses).  “Mouse” becomes “mice” (but “house” does not become “hice”)  Or one moose pluse one moose equals two moose (but more than one goose becomes geese).

We have “big, bigger, biggest” and “small, smaller and smallest”, but instead of “good, gooder and goodest”, we have “good, better and best”, and ”fun” has ”more fun”and “most fun”.

We have three spellings for the same sound…”to, too, two”, (and that doesn’t even include “tutu”) but two sounds for the same spelling…the wind blows, and wind up the toy.

Then there’s the alphabet…if you live in the United States of America, the last letter of the alphabet is “z” – pronounced “zee”, but if you live in Canada (like me) or the United Kingdom, the last letter is still “z”, but we pronounce it “zed”.  That’s not, however, the main issue with the alphabet.  I can think of at least four sounds in the English language that do not have an individual letter assigned to them, but need 2 letters to make the sound: “ch” as in church, “sh” as in short, “th” as in thin and “th” as in then.  Why don’t these sounds have their own letter?  Especially considering the redundant letters that our alphabet has such as “c” and “x”.  For example, “cat” could be spelled with a “k” instead, or “city” could be spelled with an “s”.  Both sounds that the letter “c” makes can be made by the letters “k” or “s”.  Likewise, “x” can be represented with either the letter “z” or “ks” – Xerox, for example, could be spelled, “Zeroks”

Yes, my opinion is that English is definitely a silly language…if not downright stupid…unless you remember that it’s ”I before E except after W” and all those other rules with the myriad of exceptions!

Top 10 Rejected Car Freshener Scents

10.  Wet Dog

9.  Perspiration

8.  Gym-Bag

7.  Jell-O

6.  Cigarette

5.  Kid after Camp

4.  Dirty Diaper

3.  Pig Farm

2.  Road-Kill Skunk

1.  Beef & Bean Burrito “After Effects”